tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post7293286207853368229..comments2023-08-24T08:06:12.627-04:00Comments on Sue's Views on the News: Motherhood, aging, and resentful adult children: Shirley Anderson's storySue McPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04163697194558917331noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-21720783652241009382014-09-12T21:21:31.239-04:002014-09-12T21:21:31.239-04:00Lukiftian,
I know how much money can come into it...Lukiftian,<br /><br />I know how much money can come into it, where family is concerned.<br /><br />Yes, if you would like to send the document to me, or a link to it, I would like to read it. My email is listed here somewhere, s.a.mcpherson - sympatico.caSue McPhersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04163697194558917331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-14640501512379388992014-09-12T19:40:29.447-04:002014-09-12T19:40:29.447-04:00I just wanted to clear up some of the misinformati...I just wanted to clear up some of the misinformation in your post. I know Mrs. Anderson well, and in my opinion she is a very decent, reasonable individual who decided to do what she had to do. The testimony of her children are lies, mostly. For example, we have Ken Anderson's tales of 'abandonment' at 15. Apparently Mr. Anderson can't remember how old he is, because 'A.J.' as he was called due to his interest in muscle cars was born in 1964 and moved to Oosoyoos from Creston with his parents in 1979 at the age of 15. He was left in Oosoyoos in 1982 shortly before he turned 18 when his parents moved to Castlegar to follow his father's work. He refused to come, as he had a job, a girlfriend, a car, and a life in Oosoyoos. Some of the allegations of abandonment may be from the period following Garnet Anderson's semi accident in 1966 when Shirley spent much of her time in Rossland learning how to care for a critically injured man. This period lasted around four months at which time her children were fostered out to relatives and friends. After Garnet's recovery in 1969 the family became well-to-do enough to afford the usual luxuries a family in the 1970s could expect, cars, boats, motorcycles, etc, in fact far from being abandoned her daughter received a brand new car for her graduation from her parents. In fact all of them benefitted in some way from their father's income, so I imagine it comes as no surprise that despite their father's infidelity 4 of them backed him in the divorce. Afterward things became rather complicated, and I'll be happy to send you a document I wrote outlining the particulars of her case against her children, which she lost, and why she lost it.Lukiftianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08821616522124125026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-33742564984013350792013-03-10T14:06:04.909-04:002013-03-10T14:06:04.909-04:00Response to Anonymous from Mar 9:
It happens all t...Response to Anonymous from Mar 9:<br />It happens all the time, in different ways. There were also the children in Germany who, as members of Hitler Youth, betrayed their parents for supposedly having the wrong political views. Sometimes the sadness can be tinged with something else too. <br /><br />We were all once "one of the children". Resentment is part of that. But you know, and I know, that it takes some working through.Sue McPhersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04163697194558917331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-90067123484563773452013-03-09T00:53:55.276-05:002013-03-09T00:53:55.276-05:00I am a member of the family, not one of the child...I am a member of the family, not one of the children. But a family member and I find it sad, that when her son Brian passed away, that is, his and her last memories of each other, very sadAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-55829510712225148072010-09-11T00:41:12.663-04:002010-09-11T00:41:12.663-04:00I think that loving, supportive, parents that have...I think that loving, supportive, parents that have sacrificed for their kids should be taken care of and honored. But not all parents are like that. I can sympathize with the kids in this case because I grew up with 2 cold, abusive, selfish parents. I've never heard a kind word in my life from my 86 year old father and 72 year old mother. I've endured years of mental and emotional abuse and belittling, constant criticism. And my mother physically abused me when I was a small child, one event dislocated my shoulder when I was 5. As I approached puberty, the emotional abuse escalated and I was not allowed to have friends or go out of the house except for school.<br />They have always been comfortably middle class, yet they hated to spend a dime on me as a kid. I remember having holey sweaters and not having a warm coat many cold winters because they didn't want to spend money on school clothes...even though they would buy themselves $80 pairs of shoes and had 2 refrigerators constantly stocked with beer and wine for themselves.<br />Oh yeah, to add to the dysfunction my dear old parents are related. 2nd cousins. I guess being nasty runs in their family.<br />Of course, even though they could have afforded it, helping me pay for my university education was out of the question, so I did the best I could to put myself through college.<br />I am 33. He is 86. She is 72. They chose to have me late in life, and they are bent out of shape that I will not have anything to do with caring for them. At this point in my life, I couldn't even if I wanted to.<br />I don't feel that I owe them anything. I don't think Shirley's kids owe her anything.<br />Shame on Shirley, and shame on a society and legal system that elevates parents onto a pedestal regardless of how they treat their children.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-64214476039250077982010-08-09T02:21:50.020-04:002010-08-09T02:21:50.020-04:00Before you say that I am identifying with the chil...Before you say that I am identifying with the children because I have experienced an abusive childhood, let me clarify. I do see your point and I would have great empathy for this woman if your spin on the story was correct; as I had great empathy for my own mother despite her bad parenting.<br /><br />I had 2 kinds of parents, one who by her choices was often a bad parent and 2 abusive parents (my father and my step father). Despite her failings, I was the first to defend my mother on this very basis. My mother, born in 1940, was a woman of a certain generation and all she wanted was a home and a family like her mother’s. Unfortunately she was also a weak, sometimes very selfish human being with a number of character flaws. Despite this, my brothers and I took up our duty, to take care of her when she fell ill of a serious neurological disorder for over 7 yrs until she died 5 yrs ago. We did this not only out of a sense of duty, but out of love and gratitude as well. Because despite her many failings, she was there for us throughout our whole lives. She did cook, sew, clean, and generally take care of us. She also owned up to her mistakes and sincerely apologized when, as adults, we needed to confront her and deal with things.<br /><br />My father on the other hand was not only neglectful and outright physically abusive; he couldn’t be bothered to be a father in any way. He also did nothing to support us financially after my parent’s divorce. My mother eventually took him to court, when the maintenance board came into being for non-payment of child support. Despite being the victims, all of us did make the effort to forge a relationship with our father but eventually had to cut him out of our lives. In the over 20yrs that we have had no contact with him, he has never once tried to reach out to make restitution, to know us or his grandchildren. For my mother, I did all I could to help; to my father, I feel no such obligation. If he ever chose to go the route that this woman has, my response would be the same as the Anderson children. Donating sperm and giving birth do not make you parents. Shirley was obviously not a mother to children and deserves nothing from them.<br /><br />RacquelleUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12503926765672749216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-84554554861188298682010-08-04T09:32:36.577-04:002010-08-04T09:32:36.577-04:00I wonder about the money part too, Maria. Doesn...I wonder about the money part too, Maria. Doesn't BC have Canada Pension Plans and Old Age Pensions?But the idea amy be to ask for more, knwing one will not get all of it.<br /><br />What is odd about all of this is that it is the mother who is being blamed for all mistakes and wrongdoing. But the father was also around during the children's growing-up years; in fact, it was his decision to move to another city (for his job). If it really was the Shirley who said, Let's leave 15 year-old Ken behind when we move, wasn't that the time for Ken to say something? Stay-at-home mothers generally didn't have the power to make such decisions. They just didn't have a say in it. Nobody would pay attention - husbands included - because being unemployed and never having a career, she would be treated as incompetent, greedy, negelctful, and abusive - as a non-person, just as she is being treated now. We don't really know whether she "became greedy with the thought of winning against her own children", or whether the children became greedy with the thought of winning against her. <br /><br />Maria, you question why no-one has come to speak out on her behalf. It is obvious she has people against her. But since she was someone with no career, and since one's job is one's identity, then she is, virtually, a non-person. As even her own children have said, she didn't work; IOW, she didn't do anything. But I suspect they are oblivious to the way things were back then, and the ways women lived their lives as carers for their children and husbands.Sue McPhersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04163697194558917331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-62726236573354756912010-08-04T09:12:50.422-04:002010-08-04T09:12:50.422-04:00I also want to say that I don't think simply b...I also want to say that I don't think simply being a "bad parent" with "resentful" children is what is going on here. <br /><br />There's plenty of bad parents with children who feel empathy and understanding, even love for them. Plenty of bad parents that provided something to the equation, even if what they provided was long after childhood and inside the context of adult relationships.<br /><br />As adults a reconciliation occurs, understanding that their parents, while bad where doing the best they could in the circumstances they had. Many "bad" parents reconcile with their children enough so that the children, as adults, understand their childhoods and the issues their parents faced. The understanding that their parents where human.<br /><br />It sounds that Shirley never got around to accepting her own as deserving of anything. Is there no one that knows Shirley who can come to her defense as a mother, as a person? That's one of the oddest things about all this.<br /><br />Again, as a human (not as a mother) she deserves the basics of care in her old age. Medical care, food and a roof. But I really don't think that at this point, it is up to her to define what or how much she deserves.Marianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-86102183464276222372010-08-04T09:00:48.152-04:002010-08-04T09:00:48.152-04:00I understand wanting and even deserving some suppo...I understand wanting and even deserving some support for giving birth and providing a roof and food.<br /><br />But, is it true that she is asking for 750 dollars a month from each of them? And the lawyers comment was that it's a small amount? Some articles say 350 and some say 750. So i'm not sure of the facts. <br /><br />Either way, that's insanity. For most people I know either one is a large chunk of money. In fact, 750 is almost the rent for my one room apt. <br /><br />It sounds like this woman should most likely have been put into a group home at some point in the last couple of decades. <br /><br />The sad thing is we can not choose our families and sometimes families are the most toxic thing in your life. Also, don't give me the whole "women of a certain age and time" malarkey. I know plenty of older women who are a product of those time and have not worked a day in their lives. But they also weren't neglectful, abusive or brutal people and don't -demand- others take care of them.<br /><br />At what point does this woman take responsibility for her own actions and words? It sounds like she never did and now wants to spite those that she spurned because they in fact did escape her reach. And maybe, only now in her old age is she seeing what she did to herself.<br /><br />This woman shouldn't be left out in the cold, that wouldn't be human, but at some point it sounds like she became greedy with the thought of winning against her own children.Marianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-75258619964852110302010-08-04T08:34:01.623-04:002010-08-04T08:34:01.623-04:00We have only the children's word that she did ...We have only the children's word that she did not try to maintain a relationship. I suspect she would have, since she never worked and her children would have been a major part of her life, along with her relationship with her husband. And would she not have wanted a relationship with her grandchildren? As far as her not being able to provide her children with a happy existence, it looks to me as though they have not only turned their childhood into something negative but are blaming it all on her. Donna recalls a "tumultuous childhood with the 'mother we never had' " (What do we owe, Vancouver Sun, July 24, 2010). She was one girl among 4 boys - 4 brothers. I can see that her childhood might have been tumultuous, and I can understand how she might have felt her mother was not there for her. I only had one brother, but like Donna, it was at a time when it was mainly boys' self-confidence that was being boosted, and at the expense of daughters. From the sounds of her children, they are the ones who are apathetic.Sue McPhersonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19557752.post-25341879238257417402010-08-04T03:04:05.389-04:002010-08-04T03:04:05.389-04:00Shirley may be entitled to some support in her ail...Shirley may be entitled to some support in her ailing senior years, but her approach of not maintaining a relationship of any sort with 4 of her 5 children, and then serving them with papers out of the blue suing them for support seems to indicate she never had any interest in her children beyond what they could do for her. The law may be in her favour from a cold hearted financial standpoint, but she should feel deeply ashamed as a mother for seeking to rob her grandchildren of a happier existence than the one she was able to provide for her own children. Shame on Shirley. She is the definition of heartless apathy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com